The thought of writing this post is frankly terrifying. I never thought i would have the guts to put myself in this kind of situation. I really wanted to be as honest as possible when writing this. Otherwise, i will definitely be missing the whole point. I am writing this because i want to reach out to anyone who might relate to it. It’s my story. And i don’t want to put shame around it anymore. So yes, i am suffering from eating disorders. I couldn’t keep hiding it forever. So i am making this confession today, because i always knew that this day would come, and i am ready now. You can judge me if you want to. Maybe unintentionally, but still. And that’s okay. I used to do that too.
So yes, i starved myself. My body suffered a lot from all the hunger. And i became addicted to food. My body suffered again. My weight kept fluctuating over the years. My life became a lot more complicated, and i lost myself to a vicious cycle that was creeping up on me, and literally destroyed me from the inside out.
Having an eating disorder is an illness, not a choice. It’s not something i asked for. It’s not the type of situation that can be rationalized. It’s easy to isolate things from the context in which they happen, and make assumptions about others, that’s why there’s a lot of misunderstanding when it comes to things like eating disorders or depression. But i confess that i still feel guilty for what i have put myself through for the last ten years of my life, knowing that there is no reason to feel this way. I know now that i was not and could not be aware of what i was doing to myself. So, i don’t want to look at it from a place of resentment or blame anymore. None of what happened did because of someone, or because of something. It just did because it was meant to happen.
I could share every detail of how events kept unfolding, but i don’t think i want to do that. I would have to write a memoir if i wanted to do that. I would have to be Portia de Rossi. I would have to tell you about all of the thoughts and emotions that came with these moments of weakness, and these moments of hatred. I would have to tell you about the bruises in my heart, from all the pain i inflicted on myself. I would have to tell you all about falling out of love with my true self and in love with the illusion of having to be someone else. About faking smiles, and wanting to die. I am not going to do that. I don’t want to live in the past. I don’t want to go back and analyze it. I don’t want to put more drama to it. I am a small girl who lost herself to a very big world. And there are millions of other girls like me.
I haven’t fully recovered yet, but i have these small moments of glory, where i would have this indescribable sensation of being reborn again. I am recovering and i am sure that every single person who is sick can also do that. I have once been told that i could recover when i didn’t think i would, and that’s what kept me going. I am now the one who is saying it. It might look impossible, but it is not. Everything comes from inside. Being anorexic or bulimic only affects the body. But everything happens in the mind. That’s why it’s called a mental illness. That’s why recovery is something that comes from within. Recovery doesn’t mean having a perfect body, it means accepting that body. It means listening to that body, and taking care of it. Recovery is understanding that beauty is so much more than cultural ideals.
The purpose of sharing this is to give a message to the girl behind the screen. I once was the girl behind the screen, and if it weren’t for the incredibly inspiring stories i have read, i would have never woken up. Recovery is not about the fight. If you fight against yourself, you can never win. Recovery is letting go, and knowing that you are enough. Don’t let the beauty industry take your insecurities and turn them into profit. Acceptance is key.
I am not saying that i have it all figured out now. I am still trying to embrace the change i see in myself. Accepting change is the only way i can move forward, and live this continuous transformation of everything in me and around me in an honest way. Recovery is change. But more than that, recovery is courage. It’s the courage to embrace the big unknown. This giant leap towards something i never thought existed. The feeling of being able to live with myself knowing that no matter how excruciating the pain was, there’s still space for something so much more powerful to blossom. And that i still have a life waiting for me, a life that i have to start living now.